Years later, Jesus found me as I shared in my Redemption Story. 

Deep in the ditch.  He leaves the 99 to find the one.

In 1997, I had only just begun to understand the depth of what I had carried. I realised that emotional wounds are just as real as broken bones—only harder for others to see. And Jesus began to bring the truth of who He is into my soul.

This, as you are already aware, is a lifelong journey of knowing Him.

And sometimes, the past resurfaces in unexpected ways.

My husband and I had been faithfully serving in a small faith community. When a new pastoral couple arrived, we welcomed them and invited them to co-lead a group with us. We approached leadership, and the idea was approved. We met with the new pastoral couple and agreed to start the group in a few months, since three of the four of us would be away the next two months.

But just days before we were due to leave for our trip away, one of the new pastoral couple visited our home. They shared that they had spoken with one of the Elders and that they felt the group would be “too top-heavy.” They had decided it would be better to form two groups instead—despite the community being very small and we had been at this point walking with the community for nearly 2 years so we knew the landscape well.

I gently proposed that we stick with the original plan and consider branching out later. But they informed us that they would be putting the group in the newsletter and starting it immediately.

There was no further discussion. The decision had already been made.  No waiting up on the Lord, no prayer, nothing.

I do not believe this was a personal attack on us. But it was a relational bypass.

And for someone who had been emotionally abandoned and scapegoated in childhood, this kind of exclusion doesn’t just sting—it reopens the wound.⸻

This was not an isolated event.

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The Communion Message: Another Layer of Pain

Not long after, my husband was asked by an Elder to facilitate the service and lead communion. My husband asked if I could join him and do the communion part of the message, and the Elder agreed.

My husband and I prepared a message together, prayerfully considering how to honor the Lord and encourage the Body.

That week, the person who co-ordinates the music for the group contacted me to ask if I had a song in mind. I hadn’t yet, but I told them I’d let them know if something came to mind.  I was told I needed to submit the song by the Saturday morning.

My husband and I chose a song that would tie in with our message. I submitted it on time.  The song was The Voice of Truth.  The message I was going to share was about Jesus taking our shame which tied back into the communion.

The music co-ordinator contacted me again to let me know the Elders had decided months earlier that the music co-ordinator was to choose the songs, and that they had failed to tell me. We were told the song we had chosen would not be used and they would choose the song.  Only for my husband to attend the next morning to lead the group, and for the song to be played anyway with no communication to us letting us know they were going to play the song anyway.  

What was also really difficult for me was that everyone else is permitted to share and say whatever they want with no restrictions—but for me, there seemed to be different rules—at least, that's the way it appeared to me.  

As a result, I was overcome with the thought that I could not function under this confusion, I literally was shut down and could not function....for weeks.

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This was another moment of relational and spiritual dismissal. We had been invited to lead, had prepared with care, and had submitted our contribution in good faith. But again, the decision was made without us, and our input was quietly overridden—perhaps as they say, this one was the straw that broke the camel's back.  My personal conviction is if we are asked to lead, scripturally we are free to be led by the Spirit on message and song choice.  If, however, the message and song choice are misaligned with the new covenant, a gentle conversation is to be had with the individual involved.  I believe this is new covenant Eldership in operation.  I remain very unsure as to why the Elders could not have informed me of their decision to restrict music choice to one individual.  I believe it would be best if others who are asked to contribute are informed of these decisions so as a community these things could be hashed out and biblical conclusions could be made for the community, rather than what we experienced.

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The Accumulation of Pain

These two events—the group restructuring and the communion message—didn’t happen in isolation. They followed a pattern. A year earlier, I had shared with an Elder how I had been hurt by a comment from someone in the group who rudely said to me, “You remind me of my sister—a lot to say, but none of it good.” Instead of addressing the harm, the Elder defended their friend, telling me, “... he loves his sister.”

(By the way, this comment also follows a bit of a pattern which seems to me to be designed to shut my voice down).

That moment stayed with me, not because I hadn't forgiven, but over the following year there was no attempt at an apology from this gent or reconciliation over the matter.  Rather, it was another instance where my pain was minimised and the behavior of others was excused.

The accumulation of these and many more events, interactions and dismissals over a two year period finally triggered something deep in me.

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